Suicide Note of a Gay Teen
by Kevin Caruso
The following suicide note was written by Steven, a 16-year-old high school student who happens to be gay. After he wrote this note he attempted suicide by taking an overdose of medication.
He survived.
He was hospitalized, treated, and not long after his suicide attempt, moved with his family to another state.
Steven was suffering from severe depression when he wrote this note. And I don't know how anyone who was mistreated, bullied, threatened, and emotionally tortured like Steven would not become severely depressed - and suicidal.
I have left the note intact, complete with misspellings, grammatical errors, and profanity, except for inserting "[name removed]" in the place of some names.
Steven's suicide note is extremely disquieting to read. And it is one more reminder of the outrageous bullying that some ignorant losers direct towards young gays and lesbians.
As you read this note, put yourself in Steven's shoes, and try to BEGIN to feel the hell that he endured.
Steven is a very special young man.
We love you Steven,
Kevin Caruso
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WARNING:
Please be advised that there is extensive profanity in this suicide note.
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I am sorry to the people that I love but I cant fucking take it anymore. So I am gay. Why dooes everyone hate me becaus of that. Fuck them. I have been punched and spit on andcalled faggot, queer, loser, pussy, fag boy. Some asshole painted faggot on my locker. Some people do not talk to me. Fuck them, fuck everyone, I hate this fucking life know. I am so fucking tired of the shit. I hve receved hate letters telling me to leave school telling me that faggots aren't welcome and that I am a fag.
I am scared.and I am tiredand I cant take any more. Yesterday in the locker room some assholes said steven is such a pussy and faggot. He is an ugnly stupid faggotand we should kill him. And they knew that I could hear them. Idont know what to fucking thing now. Is it better that they kill me or I kill myselfi don't fucking know. Ijust want to die and that is all so I don't have to put up with this fucking shit. They don't know shit . then are just fucked asshles. So I neeed to stop all of this fucking shit now. they don't fucking know me they are all asshles. I hate everyone know. Iam a better person than any pone of themand I fucking know that for sure.
I don't want to be such a fuckng problem for my family either. Afterall you have a fag for a son. Why do people need to do thisand we did nothing. They should all be in prison.they are horrible I hate eveyht fucking one so fuck ethem.
I know this that they are assholes. I wish that they could feel this shti that I feel then see what they do. Theycould not fucking take itand I know that withouc a doube.so why is this life so fucked.why I just am going to end eveythihng now this is it I need to kill myself I love many people mom and dad I love you and you didn't do anything bad I hat e life and this is why I have to die I am scared and iam tired of being laughted at made fun of beaten up and threatened and shit and and feeling like shit. Fuckfuckfuckfuck
I just need to die. Don't be mad. Be happy that allt he bad shit I feel is goint fo be over finaly forever. God will understand,and I know that. Maybe jesus was gay. How do we know anyting. Maybe god is gay. I am gay and I should not be fucked over because of that. So fucking what. People are just too stupid. I am like evey fuckin otgher person just I am gay so fucking whant. Assholes. I should paint asshole on everyones locker before I die. Ijust font care anyhmore I need to go.i am so scared now. I now I need to die but I will be fine after I am dead. I am so sure of that because god will take care of me.
I never did anything wrong and I know ai will go to heaven. And I hpe the assholes go to hell. What is a faggot someone ell me. I am just like fucking eveynie else godfuckshit.
So [name removed] told me, why are you a faggot. Do you like to fuck guys fag boy. He said do you want to fuck me fag boy. If you try I will beat the hell out of you fag boy. You like guys little fag boy. You wnt to just fuck guysso what the fcuk is wrong with you fag boy. You are just a pussy stupid fag boy. You are such an ugly fag boy no faggot would even fuck an uglyfagg boiy like you. Then he laughed. So what am I supposted to do. He is big. He cold beat the shit out of me. So I do nothing and he laughs at me, and I go homeand higde and cry . then I think about comitting suicide agaoin.
I have thought for a long time about comiting suicide. I need to kill myself.no other asshole is going to kill me. I wil commit suicide and I will have peace and be freed. So I need to do this. Yhou must understand. I can not live one more day. I will be so happy in heaven. I can just be normal like everyone else. I will not be the faggot, the queer, the fag boy, the pussy.
I have wanted to be dead for so long. I don't really know how I made it as far as thisbecase i jujst think about being dead. I am never happy. Why did so many people lie to me. I wish I never told anyone I am gay.why the fuck did I do that. [name removed] started this. I wish she was dead. i trusted her. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuk asshole. Cant I tll anyone. So I tell [name removed] because I was so fucking tired of hiding every day. And she tells everyone. Fuck herthe bitch. I hate her. She killed me.
I love you mom and dad.because even though you did not undertand maybe you loved me and said I was fine and you would help me.but at school it was like being in hell. Iwas burning in hell eery day. I dould not tell you edeverythin thatwas happening. I did not want you to worryaboyut me. I coulnd not do that do you. I hope that youwill forgive me.plese forgive me. And rememberme when I was happy. And I am not a faggot I am a person that is all. Why was I a gay though, why me, why whey why why I always ask. I will never know. God must have wanted me to be with him now because he is tlling me to kill myself. I think that anywayse. And I know I need to commit suicide soon. But you need to know why. Don't be sad. You wont have a faggot son anymore. So you will be happy. No more burden for you. Tell every0ne I got sick or something it doesn't matter I just cant go on one day more I cannot fucking go on. No nofuckthi w wourld and everyone but I dnot mean you Ilove you mom and dad and I do have some rfriends and not many but most everyone is a stupid asshole and I hlpe that they get sick and die. I hate them for whant they did and most of all [name removed] because she started it all.
I hate her hate her hater her hate her hater her she is the faggot if faggot means andyithing bad not me. And why doew fag have to mean anything bad , but I am gay not a fag and just a person like anyone wlse.
I know that life is horible now. It is not worth living. It really is not worth living. Why should I go on. You must understand me. I cant do throgu h this any more. Of fucki cant. I am scared everyday. I feel like shit everyday I don't want to go out anymore. I never want to go to school how can I learn anyting.i cant I don't care. Grades so what and then I will work and people will call me fag I will always be a fag to them. Assholes assholes fuckfuckfkk
No I wont let anyone else hurt me. That is anyother reason why I will commit suicide. Nobody will hurt me agaoin ever erer. No one will call me a fag or a queer or a pussy or a fag boy or anything. Nobody is going to spit on me again. Or write faggot on my lockoer of send me letters telling me that I should go to anothershcool because I am a faggot or say they should kill me because I am an ugly faggot and they should kill me. Or that I am an ugly faggot and noother faggot would fuck me. Who says I want to fuck or when or why or where. Whaty do they knowthey talk about fucking girls. I never talk about anyutint assholes fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
[name removed] started this shit and she should be imprison forever. Now I cnat stop cryuing I ma so fucked up my head is so fucked up mom and dad I am sorry. I need to die just undertand. Please understand and neverstop loving me. It is not your.and don't be sadplease never be sad. Ifeel so sick not ikind of feel happy to because I know know it will be over soon. I don't khow about ahat everything will be like ima kind of scared too. But I have to die nowbecause I can not take one more day ican not take one mor fucking day of them saying fag queer, hittng me spittin at me. They spit on me. God dam assholes. And [name removed] said that he was going tostick a broom stick up my assbecause he said that that is what I like. Asshole.illstick it up his ass asshole.
Why did all of this happen my head is just so fucked up ia m sad always. I don't remember when iwas happy. It was so long ago, or was I ever happy . can faggots be happy. I don't knowbut I am not a faggot they are faggots and I am a person.
I feel so much paing all of thetime I guessyou could say that I anm like numb. Because I am. Just pain all pain. And I hate the pain. I am always sad. Assholes.
Andi hurt like shit. It is like they beat the hellout ofme with their stupid words. I guess that they do. They don't win I will winbecause iwill be happy and they are hotiblepeople.fudk I cant stop crying byt I am very happy to it is weird. I guess I am cryingbecause I am sorry mom and dadbut I am hppy that I will be in heaven and no moreattakces. Is being a faggot mean you are inwariam fuckfuckfuck
Itewqa on tuestdy that ithouth antoerther antoe fuckufuckfuckfuck. It was on tuestday fucking tuestday I am dead soon and haqppy fuck I should have a partey.
I am just a person.they are they fucking fags.
I need towrite a poem
i will name iti am not a fag
I am not a fag
You are the fags
Remember that
I am a person
You say faggot faggot queer queer but you don't know anyting
I know that you are stupid assholes and that is more than you know
What is heavenreally like mom and dad. I hope it is all that not here. And don't be sad because you will be with meagaoin. I know I know.
I am getting happier now. I am becauseit is all ending now. I want you to know that I feel good now. I think I feel really good now , yes I do. I am not crying anymore and I am rfeeling happy. I think I will be happy in heaven no longer a faggot just a person. The real faggots are tthem
I have to say goodbye now so don't be sad. Please never be sad. I am happy. I am really happy now. Everying will be fine I am happeire that I have ever been because it is all over.
Goodbye I love you mom and dad but I hate almost everyone else. Don't be sad.
I am happy now.
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If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered and are suffering from depression or are suicidal, please immediately read the following pages:
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Suicide
Suicide.org HOME PAGE
Teen Suicide and Youth Suicide
And please call The Trevor Hotline, which is a 24-hour toll-free suicide prevention line aimed at gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and questioning youths:
1-866-4-U-TREVOR
And if you are depressed please make appointments with a medical doctor and a therapist
so you can be evalutated.
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And please read the following articles for more information on gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered suicide:
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Suicide
Alan Keyes: A Case Study in Ignorance, Intolerance, and Hate Against Gays and Lesbians; and How His Hate and That of Others Like Him Can Lead to Suicide
Hate Against Gays and Lesbians can Lead to Murder and Suicide -- Remembering Matthew Sheppard and John French
If you or someone you know is suicidal, please go to the Home Page of this website for immediate help.
Thank you.
I love you.
Take care,
Kevin Caruso
