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I Wanted to Kill Myself,
but now I am Getting Better

The following poem and story were written by Jenny, a 16-year-old rape survivor.

Please note that the poem and story may be disturbing for some readers.

Discretion is advised.

Jenny, you are an AMAZING person and I am very proud of you.

I love you,


I Wanted to Kill Myself, but now I am Getting Better

by Jenny, age 16, and Kevin Caruso

Now, NOW, Now

Why was I raped?
Why am I different?
Why am I anorexic?
Why do I cut myself?
Why am I so ugly?
Why don’t boys like me?
Why am I stupid?
Why do I want to kill myself all the time?

Now, NOW, now, the beautiful red blood is flowing down my arm and it makes me so happy. Now, NOW, now, I am beautiful and nobody knows but I don’t care. Death will be the only happiness and beauty that I think I can have. I will be happy when I am dead. Now, NOW, now, I will die. I think I will hang myself.

Now, NOW, now, is the time to commit suicide.

I wrote the poem above when I was a fourteen. I am sixteen now but do not want to kill myself any longer.

I was raped when I was twelve and it really messed up my head. At first I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. And then when I was in high school I told some friends and they were like “sorry” but they didn’t understand I don’t think.

I have anorexia too and I think it started after the rape. I don’t know why but I guess it just did. Maybe it was because I was so scared all the time afterwards.

And I also used to cut myself to feel better. And I did some drugs too. I guess I was really messed up but now I think I am getting better.

So I wrote my poem “Now, NOW, Now” one day when I really wanted to die. I had cut my arm with a razor blade and I wanted to kill myself but I think I was too chicken, so I didn’t kill myself then.

I never talked to people much about everything that was going on because I thought I was just going to kill myself. I stayed by myself most of the time. I don’t make friends very easily. But now I am doing better because I go to counseling and I have some friends.

When I first started to go to counseling I did not want to talk much because I thought bad things would happen to me. But I started talking about things and I guess things were not as bad as I thought. So I think that people should talk about things and not keep things hidden because that will make everything worse.

I don’t think I will ever want to kill myself again.

For more information on Rape and Suicide, please click below:

Rape and Suicide

If you are suicidal, immediate action is required; so please read the information on the home page of this website and take action.

Thank you,

Kevin Caruso

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